These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great  sense of humour.

Q:  Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A:  We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q:  Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:  Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q:  I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A:  Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A:  What did your last slave die of?

Q:  Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A:  A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q:  Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A:  Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q:  Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:  Why? Just use your fingers like we do…

Q:  Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in > Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q:  Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A:  You are a British politician, right?

Q:  Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A:  No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

Q:  Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A:  Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and > make good pets.

Q:  I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A:  It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q:  I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)
A:  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:  Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A:  Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

The Darwin Awards

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at
his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach,
California would-be robber James Elliot did something that
can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it
worked…….

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in
a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around,
submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company,
expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look
for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he
was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had
escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there
a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception
wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police
that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his
head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20
bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of
cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun
at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty
badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block
through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So
he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The
liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event
was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience
store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store.. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the
lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M.,
flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him
down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD
WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from
a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a
very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled
sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon
hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The
owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that
it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

*** Remember….. They walk among  us!!!***

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into
the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t
worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Sylvia Park and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but  I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my
sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XX

P.S.
Your girlfriend phoned.

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . ‘My wife’s going to
have her baby in the taxi’.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady’s dress and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I
noticed that there were several taxis – - – and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
‘Big breaths,’.  I instructed.
‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas’s Bath

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he
was having trouble with one of his medications.
‘Which one ?’. . .. I asked.
‘The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I’m running out of places to put it!’
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying
a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked ‘How
long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered .’Why, not for about
twenty years – when my husband was still alive.’

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . …’ So how was your breakfast this morning?’

‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used
to the taste.’. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled
‘KY Jelly.’

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient
had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read . . .’Keep off the grass’
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient’s dressing, which read ‘Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.’

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn’t submit his name

Dilbert

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3.  Try & try, if you don’t succeed, then CHEAT

4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers

24. Someday is not a day of the week

25. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

26. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

27. The road to success…. Is always under construction.

28. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

29. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.

30. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else!